i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
