Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
