yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
