I swear she didn't look like that last week.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
