I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
