Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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