Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
