I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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