Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
