matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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