ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
