ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
