Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
