You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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