Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
