I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
