I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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