I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
