I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I want a musical about memes.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
