Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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