You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
