i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
