If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
