my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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