Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
