Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
