sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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