The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
