I wanna bring you to show and tell
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
