he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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