i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
