I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
