Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
