so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
