Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
