He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
