But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
