Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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