Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
