Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.