I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea