This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I just blew my weed a kiss
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup