im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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