so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
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You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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