end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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