genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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