I need to stop coming to work sober
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
