Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
