Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
