I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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