I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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