the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
