thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
