idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
