Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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