Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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