So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
