too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
