On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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