so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
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