About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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