I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
