I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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