So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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